I find out if I go to prison, if so I’m losing precious time I can’t get back with people I love.
Right now all I can think of is my boy Paul Coronado a.k.a P.A.C MAYNE 10 years & over I’ve known this guy since I’ve known a lot of other homies, first nigga I ever smoked weed with, I mean we go way back but, right now all I can think about is my nigga not being here right now with me & how I miss him, & I need him in my life as the great true real homie that he’s always been to me, family this man is to me. I’ve grown with this boy, we used to eat each others food, play video games all day, since we’ve known each other we have put roofs over each others heads in our family homes & of our own roofs, real family this guy is to me & I miss him like hell. How I wish you could be here siting and talking with me, I love you my nigga from day one, till its over, free my nigga, & I’m see you again & again till days end & till its over.
I’m dreaming, yeah, feels like I’m dreaming, How’d we get here so fast, damn we must be speeding, Probably need to slow it down, but I don’t think that I will, Going a hundred miles and running baby catch me if you can, yeah.
“I deleted this post the other day”
How in a days time, in minutes weeks, months, years, that I don’t feel the same. I’m going on to the next thing after the next thing, everything is going by so slow & then I look behind me & everything has gone so fast. I can’t control it, I can but I choose not to, I can’t see anything that happens before it does. Where I am, what I’ve done. It’s kills me, I’ve failed God, it kills me I’ve failed others, but most of all it kills me I’ve failed my self. It’s funny because it all seems like a joke, like nothing is real that’s happening but, it is so real. It’s my life, not a dream, not a thought, my life where I stand to be who I am & want to be. But I am not who I think I am & in this moment in life I’m not who I want to be. & I think about everything I said in the past, things I didn’t want to be, things I didn’t want to do & I’ve come to realize how can I be someone or something I’ve always wanted to be after I’ve done things that person wouldn’t do. I’m a drug addict, I am a man of faith but, I do everything a man of faith wouldn’t do, I’m everything that I say I don’t wanna be but I am. I can’t get away from my mistakes on my own, my life is covered in filth. I’ve had & have so many beautiful things but I harm them. I have a beautiful grandmother, mother, & beautiful little sister I thought I would never have. But I abuse there love & abuse everything around me. I’m twenty one next week in 7 days, & I HAVE NOTHING TO SHOW FOR IT. I’m nothing of my mother to be proud of, I have nothing to be shown to my sister to show as a key example. If my grandpa was still alive I’ve bet he would be so hurt & I bet he cries when he seen me from up above turning myself into trash, into filth that can’t be washed out, that is forever stained on my life.
Please God lord Jesus Christ save me from myself, save me from my enemy’s, save me from my sins, save me from my mistakes & from a wrong future.
But please most of all forgive me & heal, so I can do what you want me to do, please.
Rebecca Donovan, Barely Breathing